The Virtue Called Self-Love
Can one ever get enough of Self Love? Self Love encompasses self awareness and self acceptance. It is the conscious feeling that one deserves an all inclusive care and attention. It is that willingness to ensure that one is mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually satisfied. It means counting yourself worthy of kindness and attention and brings about fulfillment. Self Love is the first best gift humans can give themselves. It helps to create the awareness for other types of love that matter.
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In a lighter mood, Self Love is sending Christina Perri’s “Jar of Hearts” to someone who mindlessly breaks your heart. It's you singing at the top of your lungs, Keala Settle’s “This is Me” when you have a body defect that makes you feel less of a human. It is that confidence that makes you echo the lyrics of Whitney Houston’s popular song that “learning to love yourself” is the greatest love of all.
In a lighter mood, Self Love is sending Christina Perri’s “Jar of Hearts” to someone who mindlessly breaks your heart. It's you singing at the top of your lungs, Keala Settle’s “This is Me” when you have a body defect that makes you feel less of a human. It is that confidence that makes you echo the lyrics of Whitney Houston’s popular song that “learning to love yourself” is the greatest love of all.
Last year, Tara, a close friend shared her journey towards Self Love and today she has got back most of what she thought she had lost forever. Tara’s life used to revolve around her husband, children, siblings, parents and close friends. She lived to make them happy.
Everything seemed fine until Tara realized that she was burning herself out to please her close circle. Aside from providing the much she could, her husband hardly assisted with house chores. Her siblings weighed her down with their marital problems and financial demands and sometimes dumped on her the weight of caring for their toddlers.
The truth is that Tara loved having children around her and she cared well for them but the burden of caring for her own and her siblings' kids was too much for her already chock-full schedule. Her parents who lived in the same city as hers would often call her to resolve family feuds and her close friends did not spare her either. She shuffled her time around these external issues and ignored the battle within.
The result was evident. Tara became stressed to the point of exhaustion. She hardly had the time to burn off calories and her weight tripled beyond her control. Her hubby was not too happy that she was having extra flesh in the wrong places yet she couldn't stop the cause of her woes. Then she joined a productive group online, tried reading some lifestyle changing books and finally she learnt to say “NO” when she needed to say NO!
Her husband was upset about the fact that she was beginning to take off much time for herself than she used to and this led to the couple’s separation but Tara did not bulge. For once, she was adamant. Friends called her names. Many withdrew but the ones that mattered stayed and understood. Her siblings were shocked that she was stressed but never showed it. Her parents finally saw her needs too. In all of this, Tara stood her ground. Her journey to Self Love was a tough one but finally her life balanced.
Today she shares her apartment with her husband and kids and occasionally hangs out with her small circle of friends and family. Her husband treats her like a queen and why wouldn't he when he has realized that he is with a woman who values her life and is willing to share this value with others too.
Tara’s story sounds like fiction, right? What if it isn't? What if it's just you thinking it isn't ever possible to practice this underrated virtue. People's quest to appear nice and caring to other people often misleads them into painting a false image of their true self thereby, antagonizing the virtue of Self Love. Perhaps we have some misconceptions about self love.
Self Love isn't selflessness. Selflessness is when we consider other people's interests above ours. Self Love is thinking about our own interest first when the need arises that we choose between what makes others happy and what makes us feel fulfilled. This may sound awkward but it is human and natural to think of one's own interest even when we may decide not to place it over that of others. Thinking about it alone shows we consider ourselves worthy of good things. Not considering it at all is questionable. How do you give love to others when you don't have such love for yourself. The Holy Bible explains this, “ Love your neighbour as you love yourself.”
In its true sense, selflessness negates careless treatment of one's health and well-being to please others. When your sanity and wellness is at stake in order to make others happy then you might have self esteem issues and a person with a low self esteem is an easy victim for bullies and selfish people. They simply prey on your availability and readiness to please and when you desire the same treatment you give them, you realize it's been a one-way relationship./
Self Love is not Selfishness. Selfishness is self absorption. It makes you consider yourself the only one worthy of kindness and favours irrespective of how it badly affects others. Also, the act of overexerting yourself to get other people's approval is in itself an act of selfishness and also of low self esteem. It contradicts self love. That is why we feel hurt and betrayed when we show kindness only to get praised or rewarded. What differentiates Self Love from selfishness is the intention behind both actions.
Self love is not Self Absorption. Self Absorption is a selfish act of being obsessed with yourself and your own needs alone. All your thoughts are focused on how everything benefits you, mindless of how it weighs down on others.
These pertinent questions can help you ascertain when the line has been crossed from self love to something contrary:
Do you take a break from doing something you wish, love or have to do when it begins to seriously weigh you down? That's Self Love.
Do you carry out acts of kindness at the expense of your own health so that people can see how good you are? That's Selfishness.
Do you accept toxic relationships just because you do not want to hurt someone else? That's Low Self-Esteem.
Do you avoid a relationship that's one-sided because you think that you deserve better? That's Self Love.
Do you want to lose some weight because you think it will make you healthy? That's Self Love.
Do you think you are the only one who has needs, deserves the best things in life and others be damned as long as you are satisfied? That's self absorption.
Do you think you're ugly or worthless just because you don't meet up to the expectations of others? That's low self esteem.
Do you take a break from doing something you wish, love or have to do when it begins to seriously weigh you down? That's Self Love.
Do you carry out acts of kindness at the expense of your own health so that people can see how good you are? That's Selfishness.
Do you accept toxic relationships just because you do not want to hurt someone else? That's Low Self-Esteem.
Do you avoid a relationship that's one-sided because you think that you deserve better? That's Self Love.
Do you want to lose some weight because you think it will make you healthy? That's Self Love.
Do you think you are the only one who has needs, deserves the best things in life and others be damned as long as you are satisfied? That's self absorption.
Do you think you're ugly or worthless just because you don't meet up to the expectations of others? That's low self esteem.
With Self Love, you will consciously be mindful of your diet, take adequate rest, express your emotions when necessary, extend what you feel to others and more importantly will learn to forgive yourself and others. This kind of love brings Fulfillment. It is the greatest love of all.